My Top: Everlane – runs TTS and my favorite tank at the moment! Super lightweight but will be perfect to layer under cardigans come fall | My Pants: Topshop – paper bag waists are my new jam! I always order a size up in Topshop | Sunglasses: Ray Ban – also available here | Zain’s Shirt: Target – they have the best pocket tee’s for kids, he lives in these! | Zain’s Shorts: Splendid | Zain’s Shoes: Nordstrom – similar here and here!
Mommy guilt is real. I’m sure it’s different for everyone and that parent guilt in general is a epidemic but in the past few months I have dealt with my fair share of mommy guilt and thought it was important to share and hopefully hear from you all about how you deal.
In general I’m a very anxious person, l know I’ve mentioned this many times. I think that my natural anxiety became amplified when I became a mother and fluctuates between frustration and guilt. Having a child changes your entire world and being home with a child all day alone can get very isolating, frustrating and lonely. When we were in Chicago I would often bounce back and forth between happiness and gratitude that I got to be with my baby 24/7 and frustration that he needed my constant attention and I couldn’t get anything else done.
When we moved back to Louisville, I honestly felt this huge wave of pressure and stress leave me. Just knowing that family and friends were close by and that everything is more accessible here puts me in a better state of mind. However, Zain is fully on the move and down to one nap so me staying home with him, running this blog and going back to dentistry just wasn’t a possibility any longer. We started looking at daycare’s (we had previously looked in Chicago but I just couldn’t do it) and eventually found one we liked. It’s walking distance from our home (huge plus!), the staff is so kind and their outlook seemed to match ours. The night before Zain’s first day I was teetering between being excited for him and simultaneously wanting to pull the plug and keep him at home.
It almost felt like I was making this choice for him to grow up and for some reason that made me feel guilty. I couldn’t sleep the entire night and marched him up there dripping in sweat filled with anxiety. He had visited before so that it wasn’t completely foreign to him that day and when we entered he seemed excited. He started to play and explore the room but as soon as he realized I was leaving, he freaked out. I came home and balled crying. The same guilt that arises when I lose my cool with him was back and I just wasn’t sure how to deal.
Luckily his teacher is amazing and called or texted me each hour to let me know how he was doing. I was thankful that I could start him a month before I went back to work so we could both adjust and I knew that is he needed me, I could be there. I’m happy to report that he has now adjusted so well and although he still whimpers a little at drop off, he stops before I even leave and his notes have all said ‘Had a smiley great day’ He also no longer cries when he sees me at pick up but instead smiles, comes running to me, walks me to get his lunch box and blows kisses to his teacher. The kid nows how to make an exit, right?
My biggest advice and what helped me so much was to stay busy! I scheduled workout’s for right after his drop off and would then schedule any conference calls and writing sessions for the afternoon. Having a mile long to do list helped keep me busy and before I knew it I could go pick him up!
Now, the guilt has dissipated and even when he cries a little at drop him off I rest a little easier knowing he will warm up and play with his friends and that’s the most important thing to me. I’m not sure when the guilt will get easier but would love to hear from you all and how you deal!